The New Inqusition
"John, don't go crazy and don't say anything to Jennifer, but
last week I took Jennifer to Child Protective Services and they
called the police. The officer wants to see you. Here's his card."
Thus one victim of a false allegation of abuse was made aware of the charges against him.
False allegations of abuse of a child--very often of sexual abuse--by one parent against the other, are an increasingly common weapon in the divorce and custody arsenal. A false allegation is the perfect weapon. It is simple, fast, and guaranteed to achieve the desired result: the complete removal of the targeted parent from the child's and the accusing parent's life, along with a moral vindication or victory for the accusing parent.
Many experts and family law practitioners believe that the increase in false allegations of abuse in the divorce and custody context are a direct result of the move to "no-fault" divorce.
In the past, one had to prove "fault" in order to get a divorce. In other words, one spouse had to prove that the other had either cheated on them, abandoned them, or was in some other way at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. This led to some rather contrived situations, with one spouse arranging for the other to "find" them in a compromising situation, so that proof of "fault" could then be offered to the court.
Several states, including California, have done away with this fault-based concept of divorce. Many believed this to be an advance, leading to a kinder, gentler system. Unfortunately, the advocates of no-fault divorce forgot to take one thing into account: human nature.
For the most part, people need to be able to point the finger of blame. The fault-based system allowed the divorce-seeker his or her proverbial day in court, and an opportunity to prove to the world what a no good so-and-so the spouse was. It lent a sense of vindication.
By contrast, the no-fault type systems of divorce have no such element of good guy versus bad. In California, one can get a divorce based on "irreconcilable differences." Other states have similarly innocuous grounds. There is no longer an opportunity for finger-pointing and blame-laying. No longer a path to vindication.
Enter the false allegation of abuse. In one fell swoop, the accusing spouse can go back to a fault-based system of divorce and achieve utter vindication. In one fell swoop, they can get the targeted spouse completely out of their and the children's lives, and can ensure themselves complete custodial control. And in one fell swoop, they will completely destroy the other spouse's life and any semblance of a normal relationship between the other spouse and their children.
As one victim of a false allegation of abuse explains: "It changed everything. My marriage was destroyed. I couldn't see my kids for three months until a psychological evaluation was done. Even after that, I could see my kids for only one hour per week up at the courthouse while a probation officer remained nearby. It was totally devastating. An incredible experience."
The relationship between accused parent and child is often not the only relationship which will suffer. One falsely accused father found that the false allegation occurred, not coincidentally, after he had entered into a new relationship. "It made me realize that my ex-to-be has a powerful weapon to control my future relationships. She had been very jealous of this woman because my children seemed to like her better than her own choice of partner." Not surprisingly, his new relationship fell victim to the fallout from the false allegation.
Other consequences may, and often do, include loss of reputation, loss of one's job, and financial hemorrhage. The cost to defend a false allegation of abuse may run to the tens of thousands of dollars, particularly if there is a criminal charge involved. Even for those who can financially afford to deal with a false allegation, the damage to one's reputation, both professionally and personally, can be immeasurable.
How many of us will ever forget the accusations which Mia Farrow has leveled against Woody Allen? Even if he is adjudged innocent, how many of us will always wonder? And how many of us, despite all of his fame and fortune, would trade places with Mr. Allen?
There will also be emotional scars and psychic trauma, which may never heal. Jennifer's father, John, found the ordeal to be devastating. "Beyond anything else I've known or expect to know again. For three years it's been my number one thought. I lost my job, lost all interest in life . . . but somehow hung on, in large part for Jennifer. I'm much better now, but the pain will follow me to death."
The parent targeted with a false allegation is a victim in every sense of the word. But the accused parent is not the only victim. There is an equal amount of pain and devastation visited upon the children involved, who find themselves suddenly ripped from their relationship with the accused parent as surely as if the parent had died.
Only it's worse than if the parent had died. Not only are these children left with only a memory of their pre- accusation relationship, but it's a memory which everybody is bound and determined to sully. If the parent had died, at least the child could expect comfort and support from their remaining parent. But the child whose relationship with the targeted parent is destroyed by a false accusation usually finds that the remaining parent is unsympathetic to the child's loss: After all, it is a loss which the remaining parent orchestrated.
More insidious yet, the child who lives with a falsely accusing parent is often put in the position of having to pledge allegiance to the accusing parent, usually by denouncing, or even implicating, the accused parent. Some children will do this knowingly, but many are too young to even understand the game. Being trusting and malleable, as young children are, they will come to adopt the accusing parent's version of what allegedly occurred.
In the child's mind, the falsely accused parent becomes as guilty as if the abuse had actually happened. Thus, not only has the false accusation created a victim of the targeted parent, but it can victimize the child as surely as if the alleged abuse had actually occurred. And the victimization doesn't stop there: the child will be subjected to a barrage of interrogations and to all manner of humiliating examinations.
Paul, whose ex-wife leveled her allegation the day before Christmas Eve, describes how the false allegation affected his five-year-old daughter. "First of all, my daughter was put through hell, between doctors' evaluations, poking, prodding, psychologists' evaluations, etc. . . . not to mention the conflicting emotions of trying to be loyal to her mother and yet still understand why her mother was saying such bad things about her father. To this day [approximately five years later], she cannot understand why her mother would think that I would hurt her."
Another victim of false allegations explained: "My children are lacking the relationship they should have with their father. Even though no rape ever happened (as alleged), my children still exhibit the signs of sexually abused children. They are not let out of the house, no friends . . .. Much stress is on the children, they are truly the ones in the middle."
The parent victims interviewed for this article were asked what, if any, advice they would give to a parent who is contemplating bringing a false accusation. All of them, without exception--and despite their own devastating ordeals--echoed the sentiments of one parent victim, who summed it up in five words: "Think of the children! Please!"
Given the magnitude of devastation which can occur, both for the accused parent and the children, in a false allegation scenario, why is it still so easy for countless numbers of parents to haul out this weapon of mass destruction? And what, if anything, can be done about it?
In the state of California, it is a punishable offense to knowingly bring a false allegation of abuse. But this law seems to be rarely, if ever, invoked. Why? Because it is hard enough to prove that an allegation is false--it is impossible to prove that the accuser knew that the allegation was false.
Almost anything can be twisted to appear to be a credible basis for an accusation. One team of researchers at the University of Michigan gave a synopsis of an actual case, in which they knew the allegation to have been false, to a panel of experts. The vast majority of the experts concluded that abuse had occurred!
The "evidence" upon which the mother in the case had hung the accusation? A single pubic hair allegedly found in her daughter's diaper. In a case here in California, a father, Larry, was accused and convicted of sexual abuse of his son for the simple act of pushing his son's hand away when he caught his son fondling himself. On this evidence alone, he was not only convicted of abusing his son but lost all contact with his other children as well.
In addition to it being nearly impossible to prove that an allegation was false--let alone that the accuser knew it was false--there is a real and understandable fear that if the allegation is true, and not acted upon, the child will be further abused. Unfortunately, it appears to be less of a concern that children who are the subjects of false allegations are as victimized as those who are, in fact, being abused.
If the legal system is not going to offer any relief, what can be done about the recent rash of false allegations? As is so often the case, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
If you are separated or divorced, and particularly if you are a father--the vast majority of all false allegation cases which I have come into contact with involve allegations made against fathers--take the following precautions:
Never allow your child to sleep with you.
The above precautions may seem extraordinarily restrictive. They are. Unfortunately, in the current climate, where false allegations abound, they are also extremely necessary.
Finally, for those who, despite all precautions, find themselves facing a false allegation of abuse, here' some advice from Patrick, who was threatened with allegations if he didn't agree to his ex's demands: "Fight early and hard. Don't give in to threats. Use every opportunity you get, in mediation and in the courtroom, and in depositions or declarations, to point out that the allegations are false, have not been substantiated, and cannot be substantiated since they are false.
"Avoid at nearly any costs the temptation to tell the judge or
mediator how crazy the other person must be to make these
allegations. Avoid at nearly all costs ever saying anything that is
not true. If you lose--and you probably will--you will at least be
able to hold your head high and know that you did not become the
thing that hurt you. That is an important battle and the one you will
fight the most in the dark hours before dawn."
Anne Mitchell, a graduate of Stanford Law School and a
practicing fathers' rights attorney, is the founder and director of
the Fathers' Rights & Equality Exchange.
